I once came upon a girl whose boat had gone aground.  She was waiting for someone to come along and dig her out.

I suggested that she remove a few items from her load, so that her boat would ride higher in the water and float.  But she kept arguing that each item was necessary.

"Do you want to move on?" I asked.

"I have to move on, I can't stand it here," she said.

"Okay. Maybe if we both push together, we could get your boat out far enough for the currents to take you."

"Look at all the mud. Poisonous snakes hide in mud. Besides, I don't want my feet to get dirty."

"Well, I saw a wharf up the river a few miles. Perhaps you could walk there and hire another boat."

"Where will I find the money to hire a boat?"

"I saw a help-wanted sign at the dock."

"I don't know how to work on a dock. Besides, I can't leave my belongings. Someone might steal them."

"So are you going to stay here and do nothing?"

"What else can I do? I've tried everything."

Eventually, I got bored and left her sitting there, waiting for someone willing to take on her load.  Her last words as I pulled away were, "Where are you going? I need your help. Why can't I find someone to help me?"

The truth is that only a complainer can stand a complainer for long.  Birds of a feather flock together. So if you want to deal with complainers, you'll need to show them how to problem-solve.

Chronic complainers are problem behavioral types who tend to think that it is their job to point out all the problems with the world, while it's your job to fix them. 

Most Complainers feel helpless and do not understand even the first step in the problem solving process.  The trick in dealing with the complainer is to get them to think as problem solvers without allowing them to draw you into their constant complaining.

Here are five tips to help you handle complainers:

1. Never try to solve their problems.  Any solution that you propose will only be met with more complaints and the thousand reasons why nothing ever works.

2. Never verbally agree with a complainer.  Even if you do agree with them, never admit your agreement. Complainers usually take agreements as an invitation to complain some more.

3. Whenever complainers grumble, ask them open-ended questions designed to get them thinking about the problem and the problem solving process.  Open-ended questions include any question that cannot be answered with a yes or no. 

The best open-ended questions usually begin with who, what, why, where, or how.  These are questions like, "So what do you want to do about it?" "So what do you think caused it?' "So why haven't you spoken to the people involved?"

4. Most importantly, resist all of your natural impulses to offer them suggestions.  Every suggestion you make will only be met with more reasons why suggestions never work.  Instead, respond to everything they say with a question.  Put the responsibility for changing their situations squarely in their laps.

5. If you want to end the conversation, but they keep talking, try setting a time limit.  Tell them something like, "I need to go in a few seconds, so what exactly do you need to tell me before I go".  Usually after this, you can gently disengage the conversation.

I'll leave you with a bottom line for handling Complainers.  Above all, resist offering Complainers solutions, or answers.  Every solution you offer will only be met by more excuses, grumbles and complaints.  So respond to everything that they say with a question.

By continually asking questions, you can sometimes get Grumblers to start looking for answers on their own. Who knows, they might even come up with a solution.  But more likely, they will simply shake their heads at you before going off to complain at someone else.  Either way, at least they are no longer complaining to you...